Laugh or You'll Cry!!
'A Senior Moment'
Please submit any good
laughs to the Editor
Those considered to be in good taste and decency might get
published!!
A 98 year
old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager
thought it sufficiently amusing to have it published in the
Times. Lets hope he also did the right thing by his
customer.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which
I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between
his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an
arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only
thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me.I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled
it on the number of button presses required of me to access
my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman;
DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)
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