Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10  o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital  watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees."
TWA  2341: "Center, we are  at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a  727?"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a  Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 
A student became lost during a  solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,  ATC asked, "What was  your last known position?" 
Student: "When I was number one for  takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down.  San  Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a  hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not  able, take the  Guadeloupe  exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and  return to the airport."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact  Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern  702: "Tower, Eastern  702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind  Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report  from Eastern 702?" 
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and  yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our  caterers."

One day the pilot of  a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while  a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back  past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said,"What  a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go  by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and  I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at  Frankfurt  Airport  are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's  gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following  exchange between  Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign  Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of  active runway."
Ground:  "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main  taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are  going?"
Speedbird  206: "Stand by,  Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant  impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt   before?"
Speedbird 206  (coolly): "Yes, twice  in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at  London 's Airport, the crew  of a  US Air flight departing for  Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came  nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground  controller lashed out at the  US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you  going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on  Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference  between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting  hysterically: "God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You  stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive  taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I  tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US  Air  2771?"
"Yes,  ma'am," the humbled crew  responded.
Naturally, the ground control  communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US  Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her  current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and  keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you  once?"